Joe Waldens

Redneck Tips


If it does't auto play you'll have to
Kick It



1.  Never take a beer to a job interview.

2.  Always identify people in your yard
before shooting at them.

3.  It's considered tacky to
take a cooler to church.

4.  If you have to vacuum the bed,
it is time to change the sheets.

5.  Even if you're certain that you are
included in the will,
it is still considered tacky to
drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

1.  When decanting wine,
make sure that you tilt the
red solo cup,
and pour slowly
so as not to
the fruit of the vine.

2.  If drinking
directly from the bottle,
always hold it with your fingers
covering the label.

1.  A centerpiece for the table
should never be anything
prepared by a taxidermist.

2.  Do not allow the dog to
eat from the table...
no matter how good his
manners are.

1.  While ears need to be
cleaned regularly,
this is a job that
should be done in private
using one's OWN truck keys.

2.  Proper use of toiletries
can forestall bathing for several days. 
However, if you live alone,
deodorant is a waste of good money.

3.  Dirt and grease
under the fingernails
is a social no-no,
as they tend to detract from a
woman's jewelry
and alter the taste of
finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1.  Always offer to
bait your date's hook,
especially on the first date.

2.  Be aggressive. 
Let her know you're interested:
"I've been wanting to go out with you
since I read that stuff on the
bathroom wall two years ago."

3.  Establish with her parents
what time she is expected back. 
Some will say 10:00 PM;
others might say "Monday."
If the latter is the answer,
it is the man's responsibility
to get her to school on time.

1.  Crying babies should be
 taken to the lobby
and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.

2.  Refrain from talking to
on the screen. 
Tests have proven
they can't hear you.

1.  Livestock is usually
a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2.  Kissing the bride for
more than 5 seconds
may get you shot.

3.  For the groom,
at least, rent a tux. 
A leisure suit with a
and clean bowling shirt
can create a tacky appearance.

4.  Though uncomfortable,
say "yes" to socks and shoes
for this special occasion.

1.  Dim your headlights
for approaching vehicles;
even if the gun is loaded
and the deer is in sight.

2.  When approaching a
 four-way stop,
the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.

3.  Never tow another car
using panty hose and duct tape.

4.  When sending your wife
down the road with a gas can,
it is impolite to ask her
to bring back beer too.

5.  Do not lay rubber
while traveling in a
funeral procession.

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